I was standing in the park wondering..
why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother.
Who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember when someone annoys you.
It takes 42 muscles to frown. BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm & b!tich-slap the mother-f__er upside the head.
So... the elephant says to the camel.
"Why do you have 2 boobs on your back?"
The camel replies..
"That's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a penis on his face."
The teacher asks Timmy..
"Why is your cat at school today?"
Timmy says, crying..
Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy.
I'm going to eat that pussy cat when the kids leave. SO I'M SAVING HIM!
A man yells at his wife.
Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery.
Oh wonderful!" she says,"
Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?
The husband replies, "I don't care. Just get out"!
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her,
Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her,
Believe in her, Pray with her, Pray for her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth & back again for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked, Bring food, & Don't block the TV.
When I have a kid, I'm going to go to the mall, putting him into a double stroller, & run around looking frantic.
If you think life is bad now.
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all..
the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad.
Heaven won't take me.
& hell's afraid I'll take over.
Are you always this stupid,
or are you making a special effort today?
What matters is not the length of the wand.
But the magic in the stick.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.